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Showing posts from March, 2013

Falling Forward

The tide is turning, I can feel it.
The strength of the current is pulling me in, dragging me along...the momentum intensifying, building stronger the more I fight against it.

I cling to the rocks of the past, nails digging in deep till I feel the pain... It stings.
Yet I stay fixed.There is safety in the known. The unknown is just that, unknown, uncharted, unfamiliar.

And as if on cue, Rick Astley comes blaring over the radio: "Never gonna give you up!"
Seems like the universe decided this cheesy song is the soundtrack of my life. Perhaps because I'm a child of the 80's. Perhaps because I realized then that decisions and choices were things we made and had to live with. Perhaps because I haven't been paying attention to the signs sent by the universe, and Rick has a way of showing up when it's time to pay the piper.

I shush him...Meh! singing about childish sentiments at a time when I needed to make adult choices.
"Man up!"I chide myself, "it…

portrait of the blogger as a middle-aged woman

Time is swift and unapologetic.

The duality of aging is that even though time leaves it signs distinctively on the flesh, the spirit within remains untouched by it's determined march. In fact, the spirit blossoms with time and experience.

The old adage "Youth is wasted on the young" rings particularly true for me at this point in my life. In my youth I was physically strong, but unfit and my body remained unchallenged. I was in the best health (no lower back pain to impede motion) yet tended to be more inactive, preferring to spend my youth in the clouds, dreaming of independence and freedom and love. My mind was sharp and clear but I lacked patience and understanding and I went through life with blinders on.

Now I am an open vessel, I want to take everything in, all perspectives, varied opinions, challenging ideas, inspiring new thoughts, willing action...Eager to be heard, not cowering, not afraid to be judged.

I will approach my 50's with reverence and grace and …

Laid up

Your body will give you signs when all's not well in me-town.
It starts out subtly suggesting that maybe it's time to start taking things easy.
But these signs are quashed in the rush of routine and responsibilities.

Until all the warning signs have been ignored and your body just refuses to budge, taking on an "I told you!" stance, and sticking to it's guns this time... for your own good.

And so it turns out, on the first day of my holiday, that I am laid up in bed, unable to move, feeling under the weather and hiding out under the covers.

It always happens like this, as soon as I go into relaxation mode, my body crashes.
There has to be an upside to this?

And there it is!
Someone's taking care of me, and he is taking it seriously.
It does feel strange to be on the receiving end of nurturing. As a wife and mom it is normally the other way round.
I am going to enjoy this.
I can feel my body relaxing in appreciation:
"Silly, woman, you don't always ne…


Off the grid!
Off the clock!
Off the beaten track!

Something's coming over me, I can't sit still, itching to be outta here.
At the edge of my seat, rocking it like it will take off if I move fast enough, press down hard enough.

Fingers stroking keyboard daily will have to find something better to do. I close my eyes, dreaming of  paradise: hmmm counting down...touch warm sand, ripple hands over cool waters....
Holiday-me is so much more fun.

I shake my hair loose from the bands that keep plaits in place, curls flowing freely now; kick off heels, wriggling toes in anticipation of gentle foot rubs and playful tickles.
Ah, the games we play when work is banished from our minds.

Quiet here now in silent offices where my days play out.
I like this.

I feel the light inside me coming on, can feel the glow.
I dream of hours spent on the beach under a huge brimmed sunhat reading great stories.
I dream of feasting on exotic fruits and enjoying cocktails with naughty names.
I dre…

Good intentions

I'm not normally one for bumper sticker philosophies or motivational blah blah, but every now and then everyone needs a bit of a pick-me-up, words of wisdom that leaves you with some hope.

After a spate of trying days, this positives inspirational quote did just that: It reminded me that I have the power in me to influence the course of my day.

I think I give up on some days before it even starts.  The drama queen in me likes drama, period. I like the buzz of excitement, the highs and lows of eventful days, the nuances of everday, crazy life.

Tame the drama queen?

Begin each day with a smile.
This should be easy?
Ok, wake up, shake off the groggy, reach for my coffee, flash a smile at my honey, but not too much or I'll end up looking like the Joker in Batman.
That was easy enough.
Hit the bathroom, catch a glance at morning-me in the mirror.
"Yikes, I'm really not a morning person!"
Plaster a smile anyway, committed now to The Plan:
Smile: Check?

psychics, sharks & hot cross buns

The cold sea spray hit me full on, my body toasty, slightly unwilling and unprepared for the icy waters.
"No turning back," I say, watching him clench his teeth with each assault.

I spied a wave with promise, the gentle curve building higher, holding steady, getting ready to rush at me.
I gave a sideways glance at my playmate, giving him a look that said: "I dare you!".
And with eyes locked on his as the wave rolled forward to greet me, I stretched out my body, succumbing to the wave, at one with nature...diving  deep in crystal clear water

I resurfaced and he's there, alongside me, ready to play: "Let's go!" he shouted above the roar of the waves, "deeper!"
I grinned, he knows me so well...

The sound of the siren was sudden, out of place in God's playground, where man and ocean and seagulls and sea creatures mingled seamlessly together. The siren indicates the presence of a shark in the vicinity. It signals that everyone should clea…


I yoga.
Can one dabble at being mystic and zen?

I was not entirely sure that I have the discipline to practice Yoga. My problem is, I tend to babble when challenged (and I am severely challenged at yoga) Also I don't do peaceful, quiet and calm well. Manic and moody is more my steam.

But I do like trying new things.
So I joined the group of people with their yoga mats and their quiet calm feeling like the elephant in the room.

I started off on the wrong foot (excuse the pun) with our instructor.I got a stern look for disturbing the peace and was harshly shushed.(Quite enjoyed that)

Being peaceful, calm and in a meditative state felt oddly peculiar, like I was at odds with my body. My mind was curious as to why I was suddenly in repose? Why deliberate breathing was entirely necessary when I had been happy breathing unconsciously all along?
Lying on my back with my feet in the air or thrusting my pelvis up; my body curved like a bow, seemed more fitting somehow to the …


Love is patient, Love is kind....
Love shakes you by the hair and screws with your mind.

Love is giving , Love is sweet...
Love robs you of your innocence and leaves you incomplete.

Love is true and Love takes time...
Love's falsehood has you screaming and committing a crime.

Make Love, they say, Love, not War...
Only till he goes psycho and has to settle the score.

Then it is backbiting and bitching and breaking of hearts
and name calling and cursing and throwing of tarts.
And hissing and hating and having hysterics;
no more "honey", and  "hotstuff" and seeing of clerics;
to exchange sacred vows in front of family and friends
Love not so unconditional now, and it all depends...

Eternity was promised and invitation were mailed
But that was before love was so intentionally derailed.

love is broken, love is lost
love can be fixed, but what a cost!
keep your promises of love, offer me only lust
and play me with passion, till love turns to dust.


I hugged so many people today.

Not casual quick ones, but great big bear hugs with feeling, and I was hugged right back. No lecherous undertones; just nice expressions of friendship, of brotherhood & kinship.

Some of my favourite people in the world are awesome huggers, they wrap you up in their arms, embrace you like they mean it (gentle, yet firm) leaving you with no doubt that you are the lucky recipient of a wealth of affection.

My dad was like that, and I grew up knowing affection, surrounded by it. Love wasn't an abstract concept, it was in our every action, in our way of being.
xoxo... It's as necessary as air.
I breathe it in, experience it with my whole being... pay it back in kind.

My best hug is the one that has you closing your eyes tightly and leaves you beaming with pleasure. The warmth of the other person lingers and the feeling radiates throughout your body. No words are necessary in this instance and the depth of feeling is conveyed to full effect by two …

She bangs

Car doors, cupboard, jars, drawers...
She bangs...Everything:
She is hurried (frenzied almost) in her actions, in her rush to do, to be, to live.

She's loud...
In her dress, in the way she expresses herself, in the way she speaks, in her singing (always at the top of her lungs), she is noisy, particularly in the company of her girlfriends.
Not afraid to be heard or noticed...

But softness and quiet is needed at times, when troubling thoughts persist and are left unattended.
Then she seeks solitude, silence, sanctuary!

Hiding out, pausing to reflect is never easy. It is difficult shutting out the world when we have all become addicted to connectedness, to attachment in this age of social media and information overload. The absence of noise can be a wonderful thing. Taking a vow of silence seems pretty attractive right now. But how do you silence your mind if it is forever ticking like a clock, if transcending and meditation is something that peaceful, zen people do? 

So I do what I always d…

Lucky in Love

22 years.
2 decades & counting.
Almost a quarter of a century.
A lifetime of Us.

Did I know all those years ago that this marriage would work? No.
Am I surprised it works so well? You bet.
Am I happy I took the leap of faith and followed my heart? Damn right!

As with anything in life, there are no guarantees and it requires courage and a firm belief that things will work out the way it should.

Marriage is hard work, but when you get it right, there is nothing better.
So here's to us: To me and my Shah!

We kept it simple today, heading to the place we both loved. We stood in the ocean in the warm embrace of the Mother City with the waves crashing over us. A light breeze played through our hair and over our tanned skin warmed by the early morning sunshine.

He reached out his hand to me, beckoning me closer:
"Come here, I got you!" he said, as the wave threatened to knock me over, the tide now coming in fast. I reached for his hand, it was firm and strong, like an ancho…