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loss

i struggle to come to terms with death and loss
and in this struggle i have no time for formalities

its the last thing I want to think about

maybe trying to make sense of it is futile especially when the wound is fresh
if the pain is up close and personal
could she have imagine this in the excitement of embarking on their holiday to thailand just last december      that he wouldnt be around this year
does she regret leaving the wanderlust dormant for so long
would this loss of her better half leave her shattered broken half  living...

the phone is shrill when it rings with bad news
it always comes in the early morning hours in the quiet of a still sleeping world
the phone rings and your waking mind knows this cannot be good  someones life has changed

and in that moment you look to your own life

I share the news! Misery loves company.

I look to him and the thought pops into my head , uninvited, unwelcomed:
NO REGRET!

Awake now! Robbed of the peace that comes with sleep:
NO REGRET!

It nags at me, demanding attention like a petulant child:
NO REGRET?

I shooo it away, cuddle closer to quell disturbing thoughts.
It lingers, tugging at my defences, demanding honesty.

I nestle deeper, feeling safe.....

Regret, You? Never! This life? No!

But I do have some unfinished business, there is still one slate with smudges...

Losing someone is never easy, I'm no stranger to death and his doing:
He and I are well acquainted: he has taken mother, father, newborn, friend.
I was left reeling, at a loss... death broke bonds that anchor, define,  comfort.

But regrets? No!
They lived well, they were larger than life and they loved with big hearts. They will live on in everyday conversations, silent prayers, beating hearts and lasting memories purposefully made.


It's part of the cycle of life, part of every single journey...


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